I recently wrote a list of wants and needs. It was a great deal of fun and a bit scary to admit to myself and share it with others.
Here’s the next step. Right down your commentary. What does your inner critic say? What would the saboteur have you believe?
Some of my negative commentary –
- I want too much and this means that I’ll be disappointed.
- I want the wrong things and this means that others will reject me, leave me, and call me names.
- I’m not capable of getting what I want and this means that I shouldn’t even bother thinking about it.
- I’m not capable of enjoying what I want if I get it and this means that I’ll always be dissatisfied and critical.
- If I do get what I want, I’ll just keep thinking of other things that I want. So why bother?
My feeling after writing this list? Ugh. When I wrote my wants and needs list I felt great. A little nervous but energized and alive. Writing this list I feel heavy, depressed (as though there is a weight on me), and sort of hopeless like I just want to go read a good romance novel, eat sugary snacks, and take a nap. I see that “I’ll be disappointed no matter what so why bother?” as an underlying theme in this commentary.
When I step in to soft, deep inquiry I hear more phrases:
– There’s no point in trying for what I want.
– Don’t even go there.
– I’ll be disappointed (and disappointing) no matter what happens.
Wow! Something shifted for me as I wrote “I’ll be disappointed (and disappointing) no matter what happens.” I had the thought “Then what am I so worried about?” If I’m going to be disappointed (or if some part of me is going to be unsatisfied) no matter what I do, then that’s a relief. I no longer have to try to figure out just the right thing to do so that I’ll finally be satisfied, feel like enough, or think “yes this is it!”. And if I’m going to disappoint someone else (or everyone in some way) no matter what I do then, similarly, I can relax.
There is no magic behavior or magic phrasing I can use to have everyone around me like me, love me, appreciate me (or like, love, and appreciate themselves or the situation). Knowing that I am going to disappoint and be disappointed, I can get on with living my life the best way I know how without the preoccupation of trying to create situations where I feel perfectly satisfied or completely avoid others disappointment.
These insights came through my compassionate presence using tools from The Work of Byron Katie. I can help you have real and lasting shifts around your negative self-talk and core judgments as well!
by Kassandra Brown, Parent Coach